I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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