dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
