a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
