shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
