when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
