Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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