i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
