I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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