I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
