well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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