He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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