so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
