I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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