i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
