Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
