An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
