If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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