My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
