Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
