I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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