i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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