My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
