I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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