Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
