I got chris browned last night
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
