doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize