Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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