The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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