peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
