Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
