I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I believe in your delicious
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
