Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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