my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she told me i tasted like america
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
