Your dad touched me again.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
