He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
