I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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