dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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