I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize