Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
