how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
