I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dick very happy bro
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
