I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
