i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
