it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize