How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
