Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
