Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize