I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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