Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
