she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize