Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
