Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
