I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
