one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
