I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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