There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
