sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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