i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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