FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
