I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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