Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize