After last night, I could never be a politician.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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