I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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