I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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