i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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