i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
